I've got worms.

Q: If your child often picks their nose, does it mean they have worms?

Topical, practical and in their defense somewhat of pertinent question. This quandary comes from the supposedly authoritative voice of the ABC news. A violent debasing of editorial standards once held of the highest regard you may ask? Wrong you are friendo. You see, I found this in their science section. And you can't argue with science, for it is scientific. Just like photosynthesis, gravity and Charles Darwin himself.

In getting to the heart of the issue I feel this question needs to be answered by the motorists in peak hour freeway traffic. The ones for whom afternoon tea was just not that filling enough, who have more enjoyable things to dig along to than singing to 'Sexy Bitch' on the radio. And no Sir, your window tinting isn't dark enough for a sufficient level of opacity required to maintain privacy. Instead you my commercial snot mining friend may have worms. And the cure is going to require more machinery than just that right index finger of yours. For excavation of a different type of cavity is in order here. Orifice to say, it will not be pleasant and I bet your just 'itching' for the answer.

A: No.

Pheeeewy. Sleep easy children. Just thank the ABC for disentangling the mysteries that burden our modern lives, mysteries that seek to unravel the thread-worms holding together the very fabric of our society.

I know I do.

Die another day

"Excuse me, Sir,
Do you want to help save the environment?"

That was what I was asked the other day whilst I was blissfully perusing through the city. To be honest I didn't think 'the environment' really needed much saving. I mean, the guy was standing on a regular metropolitan street corner... and urbanisation is clearly not under any pressing threat of extinction.

The Environment.

I know, I know, Haaa Ha. He wasn't actually referring to the immediate habitat we found ourselves in. His question instead sought after a more holistic rescuing of the environment. Mother earth. Ecosystems. Eucalyptus. Green tree frogs.
Realising this, I felt it appropriate to respond to him with:

"Ah, not today."

My answer essentially embodied all of the fundamental characteristics required for being a blatantly uncaring, self-obsessed, self-rational, capitalising nature raper. I didn't even qualify this reply with a 'sorry'. I think I would have been better off just throwing a dozen plastic bags in the air whilst taking a dump on a baby seal.
Ergh, what am I becoming? Why is it that a small part of me actually is that blatantly uncaring freak?

To my bemusement, however, my response to this activist was met with a surprisingly large level of acceptance. Like it was somehow expected of me and perfectly okay to not care even slightly.

Turkey basters and Mash

News link: 30 Lesbians impregnated by the same man.

Some might say that in vitro fertilisation (IVF) is the stalk that brings babies to women who might otherwise have difficulties falling pregnant. A lack of regulation, however, can result in the poor stalk having his wings clipped.

Exhibit A:
About a decade ago one "very generous" sperm donor donated his sperm to 30 couples living in the same state of Australia . In an ideal world these 30 children would grow up with the same prospects as any other child, regardless of how they were conceived. The only problem is that as these children hurtle closer and closer towards puberty and everything that comes with it, this may not always be the case... because technically they are all essentially one big IVF family. Having no idea who you may or may not be related to can make the dating scene a proverbial mine field. And you thought speed dating was awkward. The continuation of this unregulated sperm donation can only lead to one probable (though accidental) outcome: Incest.

So peculiar is the nature of this new social scenario, that it raises one very important question:
Would you be attracted to your half brother/sister if you didn't know they were your sibling?
On a completely unrelated note,

The above is a photo of arguably the best 'mashup' artist around, Girl Talk. I like him because though the party is a pumpin', he is simply enjoying playing around on his computer. Currently this is what I'm aiming to be like when I grow up.

Definition:
'Mashups' are pretty much where you take different parts from different pieces of music and mash them up into a single song.
Used in a Sentence:
'The other day I was driving in my car and ran over a ferret, Mashups."

'Mashups'... or as I like to affectionately term the: the Incest of pop music:

Exhibit B: click and listen here

Mashups aren't anything new, so in no way am I claiming to be unveiling the new nirvana of pop. I am just recommending developing an appreciation for them if you haven't already.
Also I might point out that the usual spectrum of songs that get mashed-up aren't what I would normally listen to. I admire them because they forever encapsulate a piece of popular culture. "Culture jamming at it's purest."

d.

Belatedly listening to:
ABX - Strangerole (Windskool)
DJ Schmolli - Justic for Billie Jean
Abrahammer - What was your childhood like?
And others courtesy of www.culturebully.com

Making money from money: the Nancy Drew Method

The other day I decided to venture out. Being susceptible to the odd Hungry Jacks binge, I took the 15 minute journey to get my hands on some flame-grilled action. For the record, Hungry Jacks’ meals are also a really solid excuse to use for being late to things. All you do is explain how that last whopper didn’t really sit well with your digestive system; then how that led to a prolonged trip to the bathroom, and you’re off the hook… no questions asked.

So after exchanging the usual formalities that go with buying a burger, I got my change and let it have a merry little jingle in my hand. Only this was no typical jingle-age. Somewhere in every free-market consumer’s subconscious lies an expectation of what loose change should sound like in your hand. If you need a prompt to recall this exact sound, imagine the spritely sound of a magical fairy train chattering along its little silver tracks. The only difference in this case was that all the fairies had left for the winter and instead, all I was left with was an empty clatter of coins. It was as if they were fakes. Had I become a victim of a sophisticated counterfeiting syndicate? Were these coins even real? Was I even real? Bewildered, I stood there clogging up the Hungry Jacks line completely unaware of the passing of time. My world was totally absorbed in jiggling the coins over and over and over, each time becoming more dumbfounded by the sound they made. After a probably very awkward 30 seconds of this I felt the heaviness of the stares being thrown at me like semi solidified curds of milk. Stop playing with money; just eat your burger… ok?

In true Nancy Drew-like spirit I felt an obligation to resolve the mystery of the coin jingling scandal. Eventually I narrowed the suspect coin down to a very lustrous 2008 five cent piece although to my slight disappointment there was no uncovering of any mafia moneymaking machines. The actual answer didn’t come until some weeks later when I was stumbling through some quasi-geeky online forums. They were discussing some rumors explaining how, due to the rocketing price of metals, the metal value of some of our treasured Australian coins has exceeded their face value. Effectively this means that if you were to hypothetically melt down a whole bunch of coins and sell them, you my friend, might be making some healthy economic profit. As of late there has been much talk over the meltdown of the world financial systems and with desperate times calling for desperate measures, it may be time for a meltdown of the world’s financial coins. The catch? Well, there isn’t really a catch, except for the fact that in this country (and many others) it is of course illegal to melt or export coins of any denomination.

So what do all good governments do in this situation to protect their seigniorage? They change the metal composition of our coins! Oh -- snap! Move over Nancy, this young capitalist has just solved the mystery of the jingling coins. The reason they sound different is because they are different.

Or at least I thought. Sadly, upon further investigation I discovered that the Mint’s position was that if "any changes were to be made to Australia's coinage mix, the Australian public would be widely consulted to gauge potential impacts." according to a Mint spokesperson said *1. Don’t listen to what that guy has to say though, listen to what I have to say and what I say is; conspiracy! I was duped out of my 75% copper and 25% nickel five-cent coin for some fake sounding variant alloy. The thing I find most interesting about this is that the next best use for coins that exceed their face value is to simply spend it on all other things. As there is generally a high marginal benefit for making informed decisions, I leave ye with the following fact – that around March 2008, the metal value of a 10c piece was around 12c, which means that for 100,000 coins you somehow manage to gather together you would make a tidy $3000!

*The writer of this article neither endorses nor encourages the melting of any legal tender by other members of the general public.

*1 - (http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,23344414-2,00.html).

umm hello

Hey Ya'll

Just a message to the remnant who may still occasionally browse this blog at their leisure; prepare yourselves for some impending entries.

After feeling slightly embarrassed while reflecting on some of the past entries, I had considered deleting this blog and starting afresh. But, at some past point in time, I did enjoy (and agree with) what I wrote. So I will simply leave it as history.

Don't look back now, it's the Popo!

So the other night I got pulled over by the police for the first time. I think maybe what caught their attention were the sequential loops I did around a particular round-a-bout, or as they put it: failure to indicate while leaving. I even managed to have 4 people witness me; being Rob, Cheyne, Shaun and Josh. I will try not to whine and moan about how I was in empty and undeveloped residential streets at 12:30 in the morning... the fact is I was 16k's over the limit, and had no p-plates on. And oh SNAP that will be $250 thankyou.

What I find hilarious though is that they (The Police, Officer Johnson) even felt it in their call of duty to refer to me as a 'Hoon'. For those of you not familiar with the term, a hoon may be defined as a show off or an individual engaged on reckless activity. The following conversation then took place.

Officer: "Just to let you boys know, we're going to be hitting this area hard to target you hoons, so be mindful in future. Thanks guys, now have a good night."

*Insert deafly silence interrupted by the faint chirping of crickets here*.

Oh no, no, no, no, thankyou officer! You see the thing is I currently drive a 2003 model Kia Carnival. Make no mistake, picking up in this 7-seater family van is an absolute treat and makes for a very smooth ride indeed, however, as for major burns out, drag racing, dough nuts and any other wikid sick terminology I can throw in it leaves a lot to be desired for.

So as I drove away with the acceleration of a retarded snail, it was at this point our over stimulated post Transformer movie imaginations boiled over. We subsequently witnessed the police car morph loudly into a giant mechanoid alien and run off into the distance.

Ahhh, happy times.

It's Over

Well, it's finally over. See that empty desk in the lower right hand corner of the picture? Thats gonna be my empty desk as I leave the exam early.

Thats right, no need to study hard for my upcoming exams any longer. It seems that the increasing competitiveness of university entrance has finally gifted us with High-Tech Cheating.

According to this article all I have to do to ace my exams is fumble around for a spare few thousand dollars to hire some Chinese "guns" to do the work for me. Imagine the carnage of a few muscular Asian 'gun men' using their ancient martial art of Lei Tai to run into your exam room and beat answers out of weeping academics with chain whips. Far from this, however, these guys actually hide in a van outside schools where "a student in the examination hall used a wireless microphone to read out the questions and received the answers from the van".

Awesome.

But how does one simply carry a wireless microphone into an exam? Well, "'cheating shoes' with transmitting and reception ability" allow you to read out the questions into a small microphone. Surely they could have been a little more imaginative with their merchandise? We all know Agent 86 from Get Smart used the old phone-in-a-shoe trick to overcome the plans of the evil Chaos agents, and this was back in 1965. Personally I'm gonna hold off until they bring out microphone implanted skateboards, or at least something equally less obvious to take in with me.

So good in fact are these Chinese masterminds, they have even began almost boasting to the police "adding that they (the shoes)-- along with cheating wallets and hats -- had proved very popular this year". Yeah, nothing beats committing a crime than committing a crime that brings monetary gain. Although there is the opportunity cost of spending the next 12 months in a Chinese prison to weight up.

Ahhh exams... so glad I don't have to worry bout them for another year after this.

Oh and also be mindful if you ever need to search the word 'exam' in google images, the first few entries involve rectal and testicular exams... maybe not the type of exams you'll need cheating hats and wallets for.

Beros.